Hi. My name is Sarah. I’m an addict. I grew up in a happy family. Both parents. Older sister. Older brother. I never had any self confidence and always felt different. I didn’t love myself. My parents divorced when I was about 12. It was an ugly divorce. I had no control. I was spiraling. I developed an eating disorder. It was something I could control and gave me self confidence because I thought I looked good.
But on the inside I was dying. I was hospitalized for two months for anorexia and came out bulimic and self harming. Anything to take me out of myself. Shortly after that I was introduced to marijuana. It helped with the eating disorders and made me just not care about anything. I was told never try the hard stuff. I swore I wouldn’t. I was offered the harder stuff at work. I hardly ever say my drug of choice because I don’t want someone to say “Oh I’ve never tried that. Let me try it.” A drug is a drug. Alcohol. Weed. Pills. Heroin. Cocaine. Crack. And others.
The first time I used I thought I had found what I had been missing. I felt extreme euphoria and at the same time thought I was going to die. I couldn’t wait to do it again. Things got badly, quick. The first time I got clean I used maintenance drugs and was on suboxone. My doctor wouldn’t ween me off so I decided to do it myself and relapsed not even with my drug of choice. Within 6 months I was using hard. I was homeless. Doing things I never thought I would do to get one more. I was the shell of a person. I would look in the mirror and not even know who I was or how I got there. Using wasn’t enjoyable any more. It was a chore. I gave up. I surrendered. Thank God. I got arrested and went to rehab. That was the beginning of my new life.
I began to love myself and make amends and start fresh. The desire to use was lifted. I did not want to go back to that life. I was in rehab for two and a half months and came home-back to the house that I used in and still in communication with my dealer who I thought I had a twisted relationship with. I met another guy in recovery. We drank. My life didn’t spiral but I felt the obsession of using coming over me. I stopped drinking got pregnant and had a baby with a guy I was codependent with. My new and current clean date is 12/1/12.
I had my son and left his father. I was single for three and a half years and really found myself and who I am. I go to NA meetings regularly. Talk to my sponsor. Give back to the community and pray! I met the love of my life in recovery. Someone that treats me like a queen through all of my flaws. He was placed in my life when I was able to love myself for who I am and be an independent productive member of society. We now have a beautiful four month old baby girl and he treats my son like his own. I work full time. Am currently homeschooling my son through this pandemic. Am able to be present for my family. Pay my own bills. In the process of buying a house. Have a healthy happy relationship and 2 beautiful children. I participate in zoom NA meetings. Talk to my sponsor regularly. Go to therapy. Take proper medication for my mental health and everything seems to be balanced.
My life is what I’ve always dreamed of and I can truly say I love who I am today. It’s not always easy but as long as I don’t use everything continues to get better in Gods time. You never HAVE to use again!